....

you know, i thought i probably needed this. this long me-time. temporarily staying away from the "relationship's stuffs". wanting to look after my own life instead of looking after another.

now i'm thinking, maybe i took it too long. maybe it's time to give another shot. but, see, im questioning my self, have you been ready for this? for another shot? i don't know...

i'm good. i'm already okay. i've been dealing with my pain for too long. but to take another risks, i don't know.

or i should take my me-time for a little bit longer? maybe. I'm just scared, my Lord. strengthen me.. :(

my love for you won't stop with my leaving......

"My love for you won't stop with my leaving. Come an evening over the years, when you step outside your door and hear the wind blowing through the cotton woods, that'll be me, thinking of you, whispering your name, and loving you." - Penelope Williamson.

Nanti.

By: Ananda P. Purnamasari

Ketika nanti kamu terbiasa dengan yang lain, hingga jauh dariku tak lagi begitu menyakitkan, maka saat itulah aku pergi.

Bukan, bukannya aku mudah melepasmu untuk yang lain. Ini berarti aku lebih memikirkan kebahagiaanmu. Karena jika tanpaku kau dapat bahagia, untuk apa aku bertahan?

Bukan, bukan aku tak cinta. Hanya jika kau lebih mencinta yang lain, maka aku tak punya hak untuk menuntutmu tetap mencintaiku.

Bukan, bukan aku tak sedih jika melepasmu. Hanya aku cukup kuat mundur demi bahagiamu. Biar sedihku kusimpan sendiri.



Ingat? Aku sedang memenuhi semua yang aku janjikan padamu dulu.

mati rasa

perbincangan singkat dengan kakak saya kemarin membuat saya sedikit berfikir. tentang situasi dan kondisi, perasaan, dan segalanya yang telah dan sedang terjadi dalam hidup saya.
dia sedikit mengkhawatirkan kondisi saya yang sedang tidak berhubungan dengan siapapun, dia takut saya akan semakin lama berada di zona nyaman saya, yang kemudian menyebabkan saya, katakan saja, "mati rasa".
setelah saya pikir-pikir, saya memang sedang berada di zona nyaman saya, kastil ternyaman saya. kastil di balik tembok tinggi yang lagi-lagi sedang saya bangun. sendiri, jauh dari orang lain, jauh dari aktivitas sosial.
saya pernah berada di sana, dan tembok saya sering diketuk oleh orang-orang yang, terima kasih Tuhan telah mengirimkan mereka, khawatir dengan saya. mereka meminta saya keluar dari zona nyaman. to live my life.
apa yang terjadi kemudian? I tried to trust people, some are my new best friends, some leave another scars in my heart.
saya tidak lagi percaya dengan orang baru. khusunya, lelaki.
trauma? mungkin. entah setiap saya dekat dengan orang-orang baru, saya merasa harus kembali menjauh. menjauh dari dunia. saya tidak berani mengambil resiko mendapatkan another scars di hati saya.

saya memang tidak ingin menjadi mati rasa, hanya saja saya merasa perlu menyendiri. untuk menata hidup yang sempat berantakan, menata hati.
akan ada masanya, saya akan kembali mencoba. akan ada masanya, saya bersama dengan seseorang. tapi bukan sekarang.

Regards,

n

people come, people go.

yes, people come, people go. that's how life works.

go, doesn't always mean dying. some, just can't stay in our lives. they leave.

every hello has their good byes. it's funny for me how God set everyone to meet someone special, then decided to take them apart. as we know, if that happens, they were just not meant to be together. they were not born to be with each other. my point is, why should we meet the wrong one? to learn? to respect? to, what?

to be honest, i hate goodbyes. every goodbye is painful. always.
what is the "good" in goodbye?
why should we meet someone, but soon we will have to say good bye to them?

I broke up with my boyfriend almost a month ago. I've let him go, I have. I just haven't moved on yet.
I still wait for him to move on first, no special reason, it's just if he has moved on, then I'll be happy for him, and that's the time to leave. That's the time I would have felt someone better has taken care of him more than I could do.
for you, ABY, be okay..... then I'll be okay too.

-----------------------------------ooo------------------------------------

Today, my Junior High School friend, Theo Santoso, died. He died because of cancer. That's quite surprising to me knowing no one of us never heard that he had cancer. It's just so sudden.
He's a good boy, forgetting some "jokes" that he made before.
I never imagined how painful to be his mom, his dad, knowing their kid leaving this world before having a bachelor degree, marrying a girl, having kids.
their kid, leaving this world earlier than them.

for you, Theo Santoso, may you rest in peace. we love you, we will miss you.

Dear you,

ya, aku ingin menulis tentang kamu. tentang perasaan yang tiba-tiba menyesakkan hari ini. 21 April 2012.
 
entahlah, ketika bangun pagi tadi, aku merasa rindu. rindu canda tawamu, rindu manjamu, rindu cemburumu, rindu amarahmu, rindu segala tentang kamu.

memang aku yang tidak ingin untuk kembali bersama, hanya karena aku merasa takut dengan kesempatan kedua. tidak semua kesempatan kedua berakhir baik, kau tahu?

semua orang bisa melihatnya, masih ada cinta di sini. aku hanya terus menerus menekannya. menolak. dengan alasan takut untuk kembali jatuh, dan sakit. namun sebenarnya, aku sudah jatuh. dan ya, rasanya sakit.

terasa lebih menyedihkan ketika melihatmu tidak baik-baik saja. aku melepasmu, untuk bahagiamu. sebab aku merasa aku tidak bisa memberimu rasa bahagia yang seharusnya menjadi kewajibanku. aku melepasmu, untuk seseorang yang nantinya lebih sabar mendengarkan setiap ceritamu, setiap candamu. untuk orang yang nantinya lebih mengerti siapa kamu, bagaimana kamu, dan bagaimana mencintaimu dengan benar.

aku hanya tak ingin menjadi bebanmu, membuatmu lebih banyak fikiran, hilang fokus, sakit. kamu tidak bisa menerima keras kepalaku, caraku menyelesaikan masalahku, sifat pencemburuku, dan segala hal yang membuatmu semakin berat untuk menjalani hari denganku. untuk itu, aku melepasmu. agar kamu lebih bahagia menjalani hari-harimu. tanpaku.

Believe me, I did love you. and I still do.
May happiness be with you, anytime, wherever you are and with whomever you are.

Love,
n.

a letter

I read this post from a blog; http://berrypuccino.blogspot.com/2012/02/letter.html

It's just a reminder, if someday.... you know. someday..... it happens.

A LETTER from Mom and Dad

..My child,

When I get old,

I hope you understand and have patience with me.

In case I break a plate,

or spill soup on the table because

Im loosing my eyesight,

I hope you don't yell at me.

Older people are sensitive.

..always having selfpity when you yell

When my hearing gets worse

and I can't hear what you're saying,

I hope you don't call me "Deaf"!

please repeat what you said or

write it down

Im sorry, my child.

..Im getting older

When my knees get weaker,

I hope you have patience to

help me get up

Like how i used to help you while you

were little,

Learning how to walk.

Please bear with me

When I keep repeating my self

like a broken record,

I hope you just keep listening to me

Please don't make fun of me,

or

get sick of listening to me

Do you remember when you were little

and you wanted a ballon?

You repeated yourself over and over

until you got what you wanted

.....Please also pardon my smell.

I smell like an old person

Please don't force me to shower.

My body is weak.

Old people get sick easily when they're cold.

I hope I don't gross you out

Do you remember when you were little?

I used to chase you around

because you didn't want to shower

I hope you can be patient with me

When I'm always cranky

It's all part of getting old

You'll understand when you're older

And if you have spare time,

I hope we can talk

Even for a few minutes

Im always all by my self all the time.

and have no one to talk to

I know you're busy with work

Even you're not interested in my stories,

Please have time for me.

Do you remember when you were little?

I used to listen to your stories

about your teddy bear.

When the time comes

and I get ill and bedridden,

I hope you have the patience to

take care of me.

IM SORRY

If I accidentally wet the bed

or make a mess

I hope you have the patience to

take care of me during the last

few moments of my life.

Im not going to last much longer, anyway.

When the time of my death comes,

I hope you hold my hand

and give me the strength to face death

And don't worry..

When I finally meet our Creator..

I will whisper in his ear

to BLESS you

Because you loved

your MOM and DAD.

Thank you so much for your care

WE LOVE YOU.

With much love,

MOM and DAD

unexplainable

aaaaarrrrgggghhh!!!

do you know how it feels, having so many thoughts on your mind? feeling like everything sucks?

all you want to do is just scream! to all people you meet. to get mad.

or maybe it feels like everyone is doing something bad to you, ruin your mood, finally all you feel about is just bad mood?

feeling like people can't understand your position, keep blaming, like they think you have no feeling that can be hurt.

oh crap.

even write down all your ideas, your thoughts, sing some songs, and do something can't decrease your bad mood? have you ever felt that way?

i'm feeling it.

well, perhaps, my period is getting near :|

rindu..

kau tau rindu?

rasanya seperti berada di padang pasir luas yang panas dan menyiksa

saat itu yang kau pikirkan hanya air

air untuk menghapus dahagamu dan mengembalikan semangat untuk melanjutkan perjalanan

kau tau rindu?

rasanya seperti menggigil di musim dingin

badan berteriak meminta sedikit panas

kau tak akan segan menghabiskan waktumu untuk sekedar duduk

duduk di depan pemanas ruangan agar tubuhmu kembali pulih

mungkin sebagian orang merasakannya seperti menanti hujan saat musim panas

yang ada hanya keinginan untuk mengusir gerah dengan kesejukan

tak harus ada hujan

mungkin kau hanya berlama-lama di bawah shower

atau bisa juga seperti menantikan pelangi ketika hujan selesai

melihat tujuh spektrum cahaya yang dapat membuatmu tersenyum

indah, dan membahagiakan

seperti itulah rindu

sedih, sedikit kesal, dan menyakitkan

tetapi menjadi sebuah kebahagiaan

with love,

n

Dear you....

Dear you,

Dan, Aku Mencintaimu

Tiga kata itu mengukir prasasti janji di setiap butir gerimis.

"Aku sayang kamu!"

Menimbang dan seterusnya. Memperhatikan dan seterusnya. Mencintai dan kaulah pasalnya.

Dan,

Selalu ada rindu yang mengemuka setiap kali kutuliskan "tanpamu".

Dan,

Karena cinta itu kata kerja, maka jatuh cinta adalah belajar mencintai.

"Tanpamu" itu semakin menjepit ruang mimpi dan kenyataan ketika aku ditelan kesendirian.

Serahkan saja pada malam, dan biarkan mimpi memulai kisahnya.

Dan,

Begitu tiba di tempatmu biasa bermanja, rinduku terluka.

Dan,

Rindu itu terluka karena mengeja inci bahagia yang kau pagutkan di batas nyata dan mimpi.

Dan,

Ketukan palu itu jatuh kepadaku. Sebagai terdakwa yang mencintaimu.

Dan,

Berangkat dari titik nol, mengejar satu mimpi.

Bersamamu, ini lebih berarti.

Dan,

Hai, kamu. Kutitipkan peluk hangat yang memanas tungku. Lugu menggebu. Tulus melumat malammu.

Dan,

Dari mataku, bahagia pun memendar tersipu tiap kali kutulis kata "denganmu".

Dan,

Bahkan tanpa kata "dengan" pun, aku mampu membawa pulang bahagia itu. Asal ada "mu" di awal dan di akhir "ku".

Dan,

Lebih dari pantas aku mencintaimu ketika air matamu menderas karena bahagia itu sendiri.

Dan,

Aku timbun kenangan di ladang anggur. Saat panen tiba, aku ingin berpesta dan mabuk kepayang bersamanya.

Selogis-logisnya, cinta itu menempatkan logika di urutan kedua atau bahkan ketiga. Nomor satunya: kegilaan.

(Dear You, Moammar Emka, page. 206/207)

dedicated to you, the one I call my dear

hello, 2012!

my first post on 2012!!! :p

sorry, I had no time to post anything..

2012, January almost ends. What have I done so far?

Well, I don't think there's something big.

I will disappoint my parents if they know about my GPA, that's why I keep hiding it! *ssst! nobody knows, kay? ;)

I was accepted as "Young Executive" in BEM KM UNDIP, The Ministry of Talent. Even, I became a secretary of the ministry. (to be honest, I am quite bored of being secretary because all organization I was becoming part of it, I used to be the secretary -,- but that's fine :D)

In January, I have somebody. to think of, to take care of, to be loved. As he does to me everyday :p

Idk how, idk why, idk what he did to me exactly that makes me feel soooo "in love"? maybe :p

well, thanks. for you, and universe that let this happened :))

February is coming, stay positive, stay lovely! cheers!

N